journaling-A bitter soul is an awful thing to taste

"Bitterness in our soul will lock our spirit inside where nothing and no one can reach it, until it takes our last breath away." Ferna Lary Mills

I have to admit that I am one that has fought bitterness since my kids have been born (probably before too!). It is not that is a easy thing to admit, but it's true. And it all comes back, for me, to being selfish with my sleep. Amazingly, I probably have made sleep an idol in my life. I believe sleep is necessary. It is important. And it is sometimes the most spiritual thing I can do is just go to bed. But its not the end all. It is not to determine my attitude. It may be a reason I am struggling, but it is not an excuse to be bitter.

Back to why-But since my kiddos are not great sleepers I can have a tendency to wake up in the morning, bitter, that I didn't get enough sleep. Bitter that other kids sleep through the night WAY before a year old. Bitter that I had to change the babies diaper at 3 am. Bitter that the grass is greener over there.

But I am praying about that. I am changing it, with the help of Jesus. I don't want to be an old bitter woman. Wait, I don't want to be a young bitter woman. Bitterness eats away at joy. It eats away at thankfulness and ultimately leaves one with no hope.

So instead of focusing on my lack of sleep, like last night, I am going to be thankful that I had a bed to sleep in. Thankful that my kids are not sick. Thankful that I have delicious coffee in the morning. Thankful that I have friends that will love me even in my struggles. God's mercies are NEW each morning. (Does that happen at midnight or 6 am or when? :)

I was chatting with my friend, Anna who has an amazing testimony to the goodness of God lately. It takes a simple prayer of asking God over and over again to show, in our hearts, how to be grateful for EVERYTHING that is ordained in our lives. He WILL meet us there in our time of need. It may not be right way, but HE will sustain.

I also read a book in which the forward was dedicated to young women. The author said that she, being older, wanted to write the book initially to her generation, but found that older women are stuck in bitterness, wallowing in their own pity, not humble and have decided to be unteachable. So she decided to write to young women in hopes that they would overcome the urge to be bitter early in life and therefore live well. I needed that prompting to stay in pursuit of joy and thankfulness.

So I am thankful this morning that I woke up. That I have another day to try an live well. To teaching my kids to love and love them back...to serve my friends and family... I have started to pray not that I would get more sleep, but that I would function better on less sleep. That I would choose everyday to respond with gratitude and not bitterness.

Thank you Jesus, that I DON'T HAVE to live in bitterness. Keep my eyes up and my heart humble. Please, Please, Please infuse gratitude into my life.